Loose Interpretations

This post inaugurates the “outright rant” category in this blog. Today it’s remedial English, specifically the unforgivable mistakes that scream “I’m a total and complete idiot.” Now, I can and do excuse people who speak English as a second language. I know enough Spanish to not get into serious trouble, but I’m positive that I sound like a complete idiot to a native speaker. Having had that experience I’m not going to hold second languages against anybody. Hell, my gripe isn’t even with people who can’t spell well. I’ve got a friend who just isn’t wired to spell anything properly, but when it matters he has someone check his work. Half of the native English speakers in the U.S. speak as if English is their second language, and not because they don’t know how, but because they don’t care at all. Grunting and beating their chest would probably work just as well.

First, “lose” versus “loose.” Nothing drives me more batshit crazy than when you get the whole word wrong. I just stop reading, and my brain shuts off. As Lewis Black would say, “it’s when your left brain looks at your right brain and says ‘Boy, it’s dark in here.'”

lose – to suffer deprivation of, or part with in an unforeseen or accidental manner.

loose – not rigidly fastened or securely attached.

  • “If that bolt comes loose you’ll lose it.”
  • “You will lose your account privileges if you can’t communicate with me.”
  • “Your mother is a very loose woman.”

Second, the word “the” is spelled “the” and not “teh.” Seriously. It’s all of three characters. I’d understand if it’s an abbreviation, but it isn’t. You’re lazy. I hate dealing with lazy people. Maybe it is an abbreviation for “I am the biggest pile of crap on Earth, as I cannot be bothered to backspace twice to correct my simple error.”

Third, I will not answer your email if you substitute:

  • “U” for “you”
  • “R” for “are”
  • “2” for “too” or “to”
  • “4” for “for”

U R not texting me, dumbass. You have a full keyboard in front of you. R U 2 lazy to type three extra characters? Don’t complain when I am 2 lazy 2 reply 2 U. And if you’re going to pull out that tired “I can’t type very well” excuse, maybe you should realize that with a little practice of doing the right thing you’ll get better.

Actually, now that I’ve vented, I retract all of this. Keep being an English retard, and I’ll keep on being able to sift you out from the people I want to talk to. Morons.

Update: Darren Chamberlain points out I missed the “4” to “for” mapping. Thanks dude! I’m just glad I’m not the only one that is driven nuts by these things.

2 thoughts on “Loose Interpretations”

  1. I occasionally use ‘teh’ ironically, but I find it unacceptable in normal communications. My biggest source of personal frustration (well, spelling-related frustration, anyway) is U, R, and 2 — I’ve always found them completely assinine, since the words they replace are not only short and simple, everyone who has ever learned English knows them. Also, I’d add using 4 instead of “for” to the list.

    The worst, though, is people who do these things in a business situation. It’s one thing if I get a bug report from a kid in Russia full of “yor softwares is teh suck!!!1”, but when a college-educated (allegedly) coworker emails me with “ready 4 lunch?”, well, I get extremely annoyed.

  2. I am laughing at the “yor softwares is teh suck!!!1″ example. Nice! I use “l8r” ironically as well, but usually only with a certain coworker.

    I totally forgot 4. Update to the post coming shortly.

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